my lack of parenting awesomeness

   Motherhood is a daily struggle for me. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love them so very much that it hurts. That's the problem. It hurts when they act in a way that I know isn't best for them. It hurts to realize that they are sinners. It really hurts to lose patience with one of them and see how grossly broken I am. I am constantly second guessing myself. "Am I the best mom I can be", "Am I too strict", "Do I show them enough love", "Are they going to hate me forever"? You get the idea.
 This morning I was in the car driving home from the grocery store and was pouring out all of my current trials to God. It hit me that God never second guesses himself. He knows that He is in control. His way is always best. And I can find comfort in the fact that He is always looking out for me. Just as I want the best for my kids and want to do great things for them, He does the same thing for me.
  My parenting is not perfect. It never will be. BUT I have the perfect example of what parenting should look like. God loves, He punishes out of love, and He gives good gifts.

That was my little piece of awesome for the week...

Well that and the fact that 4 years ago I became a mom. That's pretty sweet, too.
 

24 days of thanks #11

    I am going to be honest. I don't feel like being thankful today. I am tired, cranky, frustrated that my husband has worked 50+ hours this week and it isn't even over yet. I am not in a place that I want to think about the things that I should be thankful for.

    So.... Let's talk about contentment vs. thankfulness.
I try to be content with what I have. I have learned to live with less this past year. I have learned to be happy with what I cannot change around me (ugly wall colors anyone?) I have even gotten to the point where I am not constantly starting conversations with my husband with "You know what we need..."

   But I am not always thankful for what I have. I am constantly convincing myself that I can absolutely make my Honda Pilot work with three car seats (even if it will take some configuring and probably a few months of tweaking to figure out what works best), but what I REALLY think I need pine over daily is a fancy pants minivan. I am on Pinterest ALL THE TIME looking at stuff for the "next house" (if we ever actually get one). And probably the most difficult and frustrating one- I am constantly struggling with the fact that I have two amazing, funny boys - but no girls. *That is something that might take years to move from the "I'll get over it" list.

   So, when I am at this place... what is there to do? I will eventually snap out of it and remember that my life rocks and that I have basically everything that I could ever need or want. But for now, I am here. And this is where I might be camping out for the next few days. This is probably not the best timing (Hello, Thanksgiving!) But this is reality. This is truth. This is my life.

pre-baby blues

    I don't think I have ever actually heard the term "prenatal depression". Obviously postpartum depression is a very real and very serious thing. I didn't know that people actually struggled with depression while pregnant, though. I just assumed that everyone (whether they loved pregnancy itself or not) was just going to be happy and full of joy at the very thought of the new baby growing inside.
     That is, until this pregnancy. I don't think it's the pregnancy itself - granted the ridiculous hormonal imbalance can't help things. I think that the past 9 months has been a season of intense hardships. We moved away from my family, my husband has been working hard at a job that has changed frequently, we have found some friends (but don't have the same feeling of community we once felt), and being all alone with two little children that are quite demanding doesn't help. I had a handful of close friends whom I could call if I needed to get out of the house or needed someone to talk to while our kids played. I haven't found that here. My husband thinks that it is because I haven't worked hard enough at it. His solution is to join a MOPS group. As an extreme introvert, the thought of joining almost any kind of group like that causes me to throw up in my mouth a little.
There are some young families in our church, but nothing has seemed to work out.
    I definitely assumed that we would feel more settled by now. Nope. This accumulation of "stuff" that has been constantly circling my head has left me dry. My poor kids are probably suffering the most through all of this, though. These "low points" leave me exhausted and irritable to say the least. I make an effort to get them out of the house and around other kids at least 2 times a week, but I don't think that will cut it for long.
I am not completely sure what the next step is to deal with my current state. I will talk to my midwives, make a real effort to exercise, and get out of the house to do something with the kids as much as I can.

really???

blog much?



nope.


i am really going to back to this.... just as soon as i can find my camera, charge it, take pictures, delete most of those pictures, find one that is reasonably acceptable, and upload it.


miss you.

excuse me while i pretend to be a t-rex

Things have definitely started seeing a change of pace around the home front since the news of the third little amigo being on its way. I can't find much energy to do most things, so priorities have changed. I find myself spending more time focusing on the boys and just enjoying them. I don't want to spend my whole pregnancy thinking of things that need to be done OR being overwhelmed by how much life is going to change by adding another little being that needs all of my attention. I want to remember this time with just the three of us. I want to really and truly enjoy the beginning of the preschool age and the end of the baby stages. Every day seems to bring new accomplishments or discoveries. I don't want to lose those little celebrations in exhaustion.

So, here is to: leaving some dishes undone upon occasion, not fretting over piles of laundry, listening to lots of baby laughs and playing dinosaurs whenever I just so happen to be invited to join in on the fun. I am really in love with my two little misters and just know that life can only get better by adding to the brood.

mother's day wishlist

since mother's day is just around the corner, i thought i would share a thing or two i might fancy:

1. breakfast in bed- easy. basically free. sweet.
2. some new toms- due to my super busy schedule  laziness, I have yet to replace my shamefully, holey pairs.
3. sunny weather and an afternoon outside with the three loves in my life.

that's all. nothing big or fancy. well, maybe a hug or two and an "i love you, mom".

currently

 

- have pink sparkle nail polish. i blame katy perry.

- in desperate need to buy some new toms. all of mine have holes in them and it's getting ridiculous.

- have cloth diapers hanging on the backs of all of my kitchen chairs.... they have to get dry somehow....

- don't understand why DORA has to yell all of the time!

- have read at least one Little Critter book everyday this week. (most days it has been several)

- seriously need to get the big kid using the potty. this is just dumb.

- am battling a serious addiction to starbucks.

- am completely draining my brain of any and all possible ideas to put the last little bits of this tub o' love's   first birthday party together

quick to listen, quick to assume the worst

"For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness."

                                 -Audrey Hepburn

It happens all too often... we are having an amazing day. Everything is lovely. And then, something happens. It doesn't have to be anything big... but just something... and I open my big, fat mouth. Ugh.

Why is my first reaction to either be offended or frustrated? Why can't I slow down and think about what I am going to say? It would save so many days from going bad, so many good times from being interrupted. But no. I have to say something mean or react too quickly without knowing all of the facts. That's what happened today. We were having an amazing weekend. Last night we had a great date night, this morning I got to have a few hours to relax. We had a great afternoon all together. Then Stephen asked me a question and I overreacted and got upset. (oh, to have a rewind button!)

I really don't want to be that person. I want the words that I speak to be uplifting, pure, true and wise. I want my kids and husband to know that my initial reaction won't be one that they have to fear. I know what that is like, and I don't want that for my own family. But the mouth is one of the most difficult things in the world to control. It's the hardest battle that I fight each and every day.... and most days I lose and badly. It's pretty embarrassing. So, for all of the things that have come out of my mouth that shouldn't have: for all of the mean little jabs, the overreactions and unnecessarily raised voice, I am so sorry.

balance

When it comes to things like working out and eating healthy the hubster and I don't exactly see eye to eye. He actually likes going to the gym. I kinda see it as an optional activity. I like fruits and veggies and love vegetarian dishes. He thinks all meals require meat and bread to be considered complete.

However, after the arrival of baby number two and our big move, I noticed a huge plunge in my energy levels. Starbucks and I were already close friends, but it was becoming an unhealthy relationship.... almost abusive. I wasn't eating well (or really at all sometimes). Things were not looking good.

So we are slowly and surely making some changes. We got a membership at the YMCA. I still don't like the idea of hanging out at the gym, but it isn't all that terrible I suppose. They provide childcare for the little guys. I can go in the morning when we first get up and going or in the afternoon if we really need a break from each other. If nothing else, it is preventing me from completely losing my sanity.

I am also focusing on eating more and better throughout the day. If I forget to eat for some reason, I make myself stop and find something like a piece of fruit of a bagel. Smoothies with an added nutrition packet have become my best friend. They can pretty much take the place of a meal, but I can take them with me if I am running a bit behind.

These might sound like no brainers, but when you have two kids and you are doing it all alone most days, "no brainers" are even too much.

It's a start at least. We'll see how much I can add to this tiny beginning.

All images via Weheartit.com

big week

This past week was a big one at our house.

Harry turned 3. Wow. I have a 3 year old. When did that happen? We had friends come visit for the weekend then had a pirate party with a couple of friends and had a pretty laid back time.

He is such a big boy now.

West is 10 months now, too. He is a giant baby. There is no other way to say it.They are really great together. It is so amazing watching them play. West LOVES Harry and watches everything he does. Harry watches out for his big brother and tries to comfort him whenever he cries. It makes my heart melt. Here are some pictures of my big fellas

and their special days.

smiley's

Today we ventured out as a family to Smiley's Flea Market in Fletcher, NC. Apparently it is a much bigger deal than we anticipated. It took almost 2 hours to meander through the outside section, and we decided that it wouldn't be worth the effort to venture inside due to the fact that we had forgotten to bring a stroller for Harry. As a whole, it was quite an experience. We did manage to find a local farmer's table and bought some apples and a gallon of fresh apple cider.

This giant truck was parked right behind us. We obviously felt that it was picture worthy.

Harry was really into the cider.

And didn't want to leave even after we started making our way to the car.

Our awesome local pink lady apples that will be finding their way into a pie and possibly some muffins.

Asheville

This weekend we spend some time house hunting. We left the big guy with Grandma, and the mister, baby and I took off up the mountain.
We were really hoping to find just one option that would work. We actually found two options that we would be really happy with. So that made the trip really exciting.

This picture is at lunch in this random development that doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the area at all...

Darling Mister G. decided that he needed the biggest drink ever on the way home. Needless to say, we made multiple stops on the way back.

ready. set. overwhelmed.

Map

so.....

In sixteen short days we will be packed up, picked up and driving to a new home in the mountains of North Carolina. Um... yeah.

This is happening really quickly. I have known that moving might be a possibility for quite some time, but the actuality of it is a little more than I might have thought.

We are jetting off (not literally "jetting", more like driving several hours) this weekend to *hopefully* find a wonderful home to live in for the next few months/year. Wish us luck. We might be getting ourselves into a bit more than we could ever have imagined.
At least the landscape is lovely....

can you guess...

what this week's focus is on at our house?

my mental recipe box is lacking. the boys and i made a little trip to the library. the picture is of just a few of the books that looked helpful. i will be sure to make notes on which i found truly helpful, and which were simply a lot of nonsense with a pretty cover.

with West on the verge of eating solids, and Harry being the picky boy that he is, i am making it my main focus to find hearty, healthy, colorful meals to entice my three guys into eating all the wonderful goodness that i will be slaving over. fall and winter hold a lot of days at home, and i hope to use that to my advantage. baking and cooking have never quite been my cup o' tea.... but it is never too late to give it a go, right?

so, here is to: hot soup, fresh baked breads, homemade desserts, lots of fresh veggies and maybe a roast or two.

bliss.

(anthropologie was nice enough to send me a little gift for my birthday... a candle necklace)
i have had such a great past few days!

sunday we had lunch with my family to celebrate my birthday. japanese food followed by frozen yogurt = amazing!

monday stephen and i spend the evening watching a movie together for the first time in months.

and tonight we had dinner (to celebrate my real birthday) with my friend whitney. my sister took harry to a baseball game so that we could actually have a nice dinner. westley is still chill enough to take out of the house to eat.

the night ended at anthropologie. my hubby knows just what to get me.... an amazing, mustard sweater and full, navy and white skirt. i have the best life ever.

a week away

stephen was out of town this week on a work trip.

it was really hard to deal with being the only parent for a while. it made me incredibly grateful that i am not a single parent. i now have even more respect for my mom who did it for years...
wow.
this week completely wore me out... but it wasn't all bad. i really liked having about an hour in bed with both boys in the mornings. harry would watch some nick jr. while westley nursed. i got some great snuggle time with the boys before the day had a chance to become hectic.
i also acquired some things to help with day-to-day life:

1. a phil&teds stroller

i have been looking for something that was much easier to handle with both kids and a dog. one day it magically appeared on craiglist for an awesome deal. i had to snatch it up.



the picture is terrible because it was taken with my phone....

2. an ergo carrier. i have seriously wanted one of these since harry was a babe... but they are pricey and i had a sling that got the job done. recently, however, i realized that using a sling is next to impossible when your baby is bigger than most elephant babies.
therefore, i searched until i found one for a reasonable price and hit the "buy it now" button as fast as my little fingers would move.

3. more diapers.
i was really blessed by my brother and his wife when west was born with some new fuzzibunz one size. they are amazing and i can use them for either kid. they are lined with fleece too, so harry's nasty #2s are less nasty. BUT, two boys go through a LOT of diapers. i was doing a load each and every day. that was way too much laundry for me.
so, i bought some bum genius 4.0s. i have a couple of 3.0s already and like them, but want to see what the big deal with the "new and improved" is. i have only gotten one in (i ordered from 2 different sites) so haven't really gotten a chance to pay attention to the differences (if there really are any).

but there you have it... we obviously survived the week. i picked up some new treasures. and tomorrow stephen will be in a tattoo parlor for the majority of the day. hopefully with a story or two to boot. soooo, here is to an evening snuggling on the couch with my man while two very cute boys sleep peacefully IN THEIR OWN BEDS.

for consideration

i like stuff.

there, i admitted it. i like all sorts of stuff: big stuff, little stuff, pretty stuff, weird stuff, important stuff and stupid stuff. the point is that i like it all.

that being said- recently i have felt as though the last thing in the world that i should be doing is simply "collecting" (for lack of a better word) stuff. my house is small. i like it that way. i think of it as "cozy". there is very little storage, and what that space should be used for is clothes that harry is too big for and westley has yet to conquer, a few things from stephen's and my childhood, a wedding dress and some luggage. instead, i had made it my personal goal to fill every nook and cranny with the most random and ridiculous thing in the world that we "might need some day". ug.

therefore, weeks and weeks of preparation went into this past weekend. my sister and i held an enormous yard sale. i wish i had taken a picture of just how much stuff was spread out all over my lawn. i did not. but imagine a ton of junk, and multiply it by 3. that was it.

we sold some of it. i was actually surprised how much was gone at noon. what was leftover made it's way to the thrift shop. hopefully it all will find homes with people who truly want and need it.

now, my goal is to make the things that i have left actually mean something. the few toys that we kept for the boys are going to be rotated. a few things will be left out for a month or two, then will be switched with others that are waiting in the attic for their chance to be played with. ( i might take toy story a little bit too much to heart.)

we got rid of at least half of my kid's clothes. they can wear out the ones that we do have, and if need be, we will replace a thing or two. (they don't look like they mind too much, right?)

i read proverbs 31 this morning and it meant so much more to me than before i reached this point.

V 27 : She watches over the affairs of her household

and does not eat the bread of idleness

niv

there is so much that i do wrong or poorly. i just don't want to overlook those things when they are staring me in the face.

so, here is to simple living, gentle and quite spirits, passing up that thing i think i really need, "make do and mend", and learning contentment. it's going to be a long and tough season, but oh so worth it.

beachy keen

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Umbrellas and Lanterns

Both cars are in the shop and the kids both had doctor appointments VERY early this morning.

The remainder of the day will thus be spent very in dreamy thoughts of napping in the sun by the pool or on the beach.

BTW

Harry is 36 in, 29 lbs.
Westley is 25 in (50th), 16 lbs 2 ounces (75th)

two months...

pictures by Holly Dwan

Has it really been two months since this little guy was born? I can not believe it.

But if it has... I can't imagine a better way to spend two months than this....

I love that Stephen has come home early almost every night for the past two week.

It's amazing watching him with his sons. He is the best dad ever. I knew that he would be.

I think that is why I am so in love with my life right now. I have an amazing husband, two beautiful boys and a dog that I actually like.

I am really blessed. When Harry was just 8 weeks I was going back to work. It makes me SO happy that I don't have to deal with that again this time. All I can remember is wishing that I could be with him, not trying to get work done. And trying to work out my schedule to allow someone that I knew and trusted to be at the house watching him. I don't miss those days.

behind

so....
now that i actually have an end in sight, i realize how completely behind in life that i am.
sure, the nursery is done and my laundry is no longer piled sky high, but as far as everything else goes....

i have thank you notes to write, an application for graduation that should have been mailed out about a year ago, insurance papers to fill out... and the list goes on and on and on and on....

so.

dear westley,
sleep a lot when you actually do get here. my to do list is still pretty long.

ps. i love you.