Catchup.

    You'd think that by now, I might have learned something about consistency. No. I refuse to be consistent enough for people to be able to guess my next move. That's why we do things like adopt a little girl with 4 boys of our own and add two dogs to the zoo we call a home.... any who....

    2019 has brought a lot more change than a puppy to the mix. (Although it did actually bring a puppy into the mix- Trevor the Aussiedoodle. He's ridiculous.) This is the year we find ourselves homeschooling our 6th grade son. Insanity. I told myself and many, many others that I was not a teacher. I said that I couldn't do it. But what does a mama do when her son struggles with mean kids and is so smart that normal classes can't keep up with him? He was being so harshly bullied that he broke down and cried at his last doctor's appointment. I was about ready to declare war on all 11 year old boys. I had no other choice. He needs consistency and encouraging words. He needs to know that I love him so dearly. He needs the chance to decide who he is without the world telling him what he needs to be. And by God's sweet grace, his daddy and I both felt peace about it.

   So, this school year we will have one homeschooler, three public schoolers, and one little girl in a tiny private preschool. We really enjoy making things hard- like really hard.
But more importantly, we really love our kids. Isn't that the reason we even care if kids are in school? To make sure they can read, and write, and think through problems? I am going to do that, but I am also so excited to teach him how to cook and read recipes. I want to show him how to enjoy reading hard books that make the world feel different. I want to show him how to fix things, to paint walls, and how to clean a home. He is going to be a man soon enough. This is the start of it all.

  And I will probably hang out with the other people in my house a little bit too.

Life lately

Lately...

I have been confused and overwhelmed and confused again as to how all of this fostering or adopting or whatever it is that our future with this tiny human who lives in my home is actually going to play out.

I have not been the best housewife. Like seriously. There are low standards, then there is the Gwaltney house.

My kids amaze me with their love even when I am the worst.

I drink so much caffeine, I am sure that if I stopped that I would die.

I have been dreaming of the thought of a house that was project free.

I have been spending way too much time looking at baby girl clothes.

Grace

February 10th it happened.  Stephen was in Greensboro for work, and I was home with the two little ones watching some ridiculous cartoon. Then phone rang, and my heart went crazy. That day a newborn girl was being taken into foster care, and they wanted to know if we were open to that placement. I cannot even explain the excitement, fear, joy, and every other emotion went in and out of my head and heart that moment. Of course, we would take her! OF course!
She would be brought to our home in just a few hours, and that made things real. I called my husband, and just stated the fact that she was coming. There was really no need to discuss it. He knew what I was thinking, feeling, needing in that moment.
There was so much that needed to be done still, though. I needed clothes, a car seat, bottles.... almost everything that a baby needs. But God was in it. An amazing friend came to my house and watched my littles while I ran all over town trying to find newborn clothes and a car seat. She fed my children. She rejoiced with me even in the chaos.
I had Stephen's mother pick up the older boys from school. I wanted to make sure that I was the one at my house when the baby was brought home.
And a meager 5 hours after the phone first rang, I saw baby Grace. Of course, Grace is not her real name. She actually didn't have one at that point. But to me she was Grace, because of the amazing grace God had on me in those moments.
You see, I was open to any child who needed a home coming to live with us, but my heart cried out for a girl. I prayed over and over again, and gave my wants and feelings to God and prayed that His will be done. But if God wanted to know what I thought, I let him know. I told him my heart was for a baby girl, even straight from the hospital. I prayed she would be healthy. I prayed so hard.
And here she was. This tiny, beautiful bundle of God's sweet, amazing grace towards me wrapped in my arms. If I had never felt the love of the father before that moment, I would have felt it then. But because I know his love, I recognized it right away. I have a good, good father.
The next few days were crazy and chaotic and beautiful. I asked in anyone close by had girl things they no longer needed, and within a few days I had more clothes, blankets, and girl things that this sweet child could ever use. God was there, meeting all of our needs.
The only thing that I really lacked was a swing big enough to protect her from the overly grabby two year old. I looked around, and thought about buying a new one, but didn't. Then one day at community group, I casually mentioned that I would love to have a large swing that was safely off of the ground. A new couple that had never been to our group before that day mentioned they had one that they could no longer use. Within a couple days, a swing was in my living room.
Every single detail in this process has the fingerprints of my God all over it and I am in awe.
And now, there is a beautiful, baby girl calling for me with the sweetest cries.

Writing because I need to write

   There is no excuse for just plain ignoring this blog, and yet I went and did just that.  Oh well, I've got a lot going on around me.
2 little boys in school and 2 little boys in part-time preschool who like to make my life really unpredictable.
   And now, we have decided to add even more of the unpredictable to our lives. This fall we started foster care training. A lot of people look at us like we are crazy when we tell them. Some say how great it is, others just shake their heads and laugh. This wasn't our choice. It was all Jesus. I don't really have any other explanation.
    I had been praying and praying over a nagging feeling in my gut about children. There wasn't a specific child, just children that needed to know that they are valued, treasured even, and that they are loved. I told God that if we were going to do anything that he would need to do something big in my husband's heart. We had never really talked about adoption or fostering before this. One night we were on a date, eating ice cream, and out of the blue he asked if I wanted to adopt. I took that as the sign. Immediately we started looking into options. We both agreed that international adoption is not for us. Our hearts are for the needs of those around us. We want to serve those whom God has placed directly in our paths. So fostering with the possibility of adoption is the way we chose.
     Currently, we are almost done with the training classes, and have all of our paperwork turned in so that we can begin home visits and safety checks and all that good stuff. I have never been more nervous to have someone visit my home. It seems silly that with four children of our own, who have never had an emergency because of a safety issue, that our home might be deemed unsafe.... and yet I guess that is a real possibility.
I am just learning to lean on Jesus, I guess.
      I will admit that more than once, my imagination has been busy and I may or may not have envisioned a little girl being added to our crazy mix. But my hope is that Jesus takes such strong control of my heart and soul that those desires are met by the peace of God and that the knowledge that we are in His will are more than enough for me. I am learning to be content no matter the circumstance, and that includes whether or not we end up with a house full of beautiful boys or if He chooses to bless us with a girl to soften our home. I give it to Him.
     I guess I just need to put down my thoughts, feelings, and prayers and hope that through them someone might find the encouragement or motivation they need to take the next step.

My favorite quote ever is by Jim Elliot, "Wherever you are, be all there." Right now I am in a whole lot of crazy, loud and mess, but I'm determined to be present and to find the joy in every bit of it.

things i have learned in 29 years

   I would like to think that in the past nine years I have learned a little bit about being a grown up. I got married at 20, had my first child at 22 and have been popping them out since then. These are a few things I have learned:

1. Buy quality not quantity. I know that this is something we've all heard over and over, but there is a reason. Good shoes, makeup and a well made purse will make you look like you have a clue and won't fall apart 6 months later. It doesn't hurt that your feet won't be killing you in the first 20 minutes either.

2. Find a good stylist and don't let them go. Hair is important. A crappy cut will always look bad, and crappy color is even worse. Leave the boxed color alone and cough up the money to get good color and you absolutely will not regret it.... unlike that terrible attempt to go blonde in the bathroom a few years ago.

3. Make love not war. Kids, husbands and strangers all respond much better to a gentle tone and a smile. Fact.

4. Ignore the nonsense. Gossip and drama are never classy. Be classy. Keep your mouth shut and your reputation good.

5. Learn to cook something. I will never be a great cook, but I have definitely learned that Hamburger Helper is always a bad choice and that having 4 or 5 things that I know that recipe for by heart can save the day. Find something, anything you can make well. You'll thank me later when you actually want to have people over for dinner.

6. Take a sewing class. Or at least find a friend who can sew and make them teach you the basics. You'll save a fortune on tailors and not having to replace shirts because they have lost a button.

7. Be a good friend. Don't be the needy friend that always needs to unload on others. Listen well, and texting does not equal conversation.

And....

Once in a while, an event happens that desperately needs documentation, or else it will be lost forever. These moments remind me that I need to laugh at the present, not hate or dread where I am currently. It will not be like this forever.

  Last night, all four little boys were sleeping in their correct beds (a feat in and of itself), and I was happily sleeping. Note: The hope of getting at least 8 hours is always present, but at this point I am really happy with the measly 6 or so that I am actually sleeping well.  At around 2:30 the power went off due to a huge storm. Generally, not having power in the middle of the night is no big deal. It was hot, so the husband got up and opened windows. About the time I was drifting back to sleep, there was an obnoxious "beep" closely followed by another coming from some other nearby source. Ugh. The battery of the smoke alarm was crying out in a near death state. NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! You see, the smoke alarm in our room is at the very top of a vaulted ceiling. Like 15 feet off the ground. I guess that the alarms near our room are linked, because every minute or so, one would give off its annoying death moan, followed quickly by the other. After the initial state of denial- you know "maybe if we just leave it alone it will eventually stop"... nope- we got up to figure out (in the complete dark) if we had any batteries for the stupid thing.
Nope again. Middle of the night, no power, no batteries, really high smoke alarm- Jesus, you really think I am stronger than I am.
   So, the loving, amazing, patient man I wisely married, got dressed and made the rainy trip to the gas station to get batteries. The alarm continued to inform me of it's near death state, and the baby decided he didn't care if I was exhausted or not. He wanted to he held, RIGHT NOW! (sweet child, don't you like sleep like everyone else???!!!)
     Wonderful husband returned 30 minutes later, right after I had convinced the kid to get over his little episode and cling to his blanket as tight as he could, and brought in the giant outside ladder from under the house. Up the ladder, battery changed, down the ladder, other battery changed... We waited.... BEEP. For all that is good and holy in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After and hour and a half of the mess, ain't nobody got time for that.
He just took them both down and put them by the bed to be dealt with in the morning.
5 minutes later we are comfy, cozy, and happy to finally be ready for the little bit of sleep we'll get before the natives get restless and want to be fed.
BEEP. Seriously? I wanted to die a little bit.

The end result was taking the tiny little demon possessed pieces of equipment that continued to mock our sleep deprived minds to the garage. Yay. Sleep... at 4:30. Needless to say the baby, once again, really needed me to be there for him, like a kid going through a bad breakup, at 6:00 on the dot (precisely 2 minutes after the power came back on).

reunited

Well...
I had my break, and it was nice. But now to reintroduce you all to our lives
-We had an ultrasound the week of Thanksgiving and #4 is going to fit in just fine around here being the youngest of 4 boys. Yup... I am made to raise some little men.
- We have bought, moved into, and started making our new home our own. It's amazing what extra space and real feeling of home does for the spirit. I will take some pictures and give you a "tour" soon.
- I have 3 amazing little boys with amazing personalities. I really should start writing down what these kids say.

Surprise

Well... I thought I was too old for surprises. Incorrect.

I am currently 7 weeks pregnant with baby #4.
God really has an amazing sense of humor.
I swore I was done.

I am having a bit of a hard time in general right now.
Between mental, emotional, physical and spiritual states all being blown away by this latest development, and a having 3 little boys who still depend on me 100%, I am barely surviving.
I think it's time for a real, spoken break here. I know I have been far from consistent, but for now, I will not be here at all.

when you have too much to do already...

                                                          Why not start a new quilt?

Apparently, I just don't know when to stop.

sometimes

Sometimes I am petty.
I am jealous.
I lose my temper.
Sometimes I don't remember what it's like to feel beautiful.
Sometimes I ignore the things and people I need to focus on most.
Once in a while I am angry at my life.
It's hard to pray when I need to do it most.
Sometimes I forget to say "I love you."
I break the rules.
Sometimes I want more than I need.
I am unkind.
I am snotty.
I judge others.
Sometimes I cry when there are too many emotions going on, and I can't sort them all out.
Sometimes I get angry that I have three boys and all I prayed for is a girl.
I don't want to cook or clean up after everyone else.
I don't walk the dog.... she deserves better.
I get mad when no one pats me on the back for all I do.
Sometimes I am bitter at others for not offering to help even though I don't even ask.
I am a coward.

and still...

"But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord,
Because He is good to me."

Psalm 13:5 and 6

thankful

     This was a ROUGH week. Not gonna lie, sometimes I just wanted to hide in a corner and cry. (I might have actually done it once or twice....) But, it's over. My husband (who is amazing!) took Friday off so that we could get a handle on things.
     We had a big 'ol, fatty yard sale on Saturday and got rid of SO. MUCH. JUNK! (*I mean slightly loved objects)....
     It's so nice not to trip over stuff in every room. I am also slowly but surely redoing some things around here... I might have just found my new bed on craigslist (pending pick up) It is a gorgeous, antique iron bed. Seriously, I am in love... Now I just have to find a way to get it home.{have I mentioned that once in a while I really miss my hubby's truck??? }  Can I get an "Amen"! Hallelujah!

    Stephen took the boys hiking at one of the many parks around here and made it a point to inform me that "Everyone was jealous of (his) new Keens and hiking shorts". (thank you REI sale!!!!)

     I took the opportunity to visit some local thrift shops and to go buy the kids a new toy each to thank them for giving up so much of their stuff in the yard sale. In my book, a ton of old toys that weren't even noticed anymore are totally worth one toy that is played with and will encourage their playing together. I might have actually set them up by buying one kid a Lightning McQueen and the other a Mater toy. They kind of have to play together that way... and technically, if I am being honest, selling their old toys paid for the new ones. Win/win! They must have really liked my picks, because they absolutely had to watch Cars 2 and sleep with their toys tonight. So precious.

       

Four months later....

Well, hello. No, I didn't die. I just have three boys.

Let me take this time to get you all caught up:

-we still haven't found a house

-each and every day my boys get bigger and learn or teach me something new. it's crazy.
- i get almost zero time alone with my sewing machine... that's really all i want right now.

- boy #1 is in t-ball and is possibly the cutest thing i have ever seen in my life.

- my youngest sister just got engaged. i am officially old.

-I fully intend to have a yard sale this weekend... that means that i have to go through each and every box in every nook and cranny of this house (and garage)! it is slightly possible that i have gotten in over my head here.

I promise that I will not let it go another 4 months without another update... pinky swear.

my lack of parenting awesomeness

   Motherhood is a daily struggle for me. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. I love them so very much that it hurts. That's the problem. It hurts when they act in a way that I know isn't best for them. It hurts to realize that they are sinners. It really hurts to lose patience with one of them and see how grossly broken I am. I am constantly second guessing myself. "Am I the best mom I can be", "Am I too strict", "Do I show them enough love", "Are they going to hate me forever"? You get the idea.
 This morning I was in the car driving home from the grocery store and was pouring out all of my current trials to God. It hit me that God never second guesses himself. He knows that He is in control. His way is always best. And I can find comfort in the fact that He is always looking out for me. Just as I want the best for my kids and want to do great things for them, He does the same thing for me.
  My parenting is not perfect. It never will be. BUT I have the perfect example of what parenting should look like. God loves, He punishes out of love, and He gives good gifts.

That was my little piece of awesome for the week...

Well that and the fact that 4 years ago I became a mom. That's pretty sweet, too.
 

currently

Currently:

- Sleep is but a mere memory.
-I don't think I have cooked a real meal in about a month.
- My almost two-year-old is taking a three hour nap! Praise the Lord!
- I am trying to decide what to wear for our updated family pictures that should be happening sometime next week.
- My dependency on caffeine has only grown since pregnancy has ended.
- I continue to look at houses online despite the fact that we have put a hold on house hunting for a month or two.
- We missed garbage day this week, so there are several trash bags just hanging out in the garage. Ugh. That got old fast.
- I have gone on strike from listening to toddler music and reclaimed my itunes. Grown up music is all that I am allowing in the house for the time being no matter how many times I hear "I want to hear yo gabba gabba songs!!!"

undead

     Yes, I am alive and have returned to the world of spellcheck and uploaded photos. I will not be posting much for a while due to the fact that there is currently a one week old sleeping on my chest, and I sort of like to play with him (he tends to eat a lot too).

  Meet Theodore. He was born on January 3rd and was the first baby boy born in our county in 2012. I am not one for birth stories, so you won't be seeing one here. That's all you're getting for now. I am one busy mama with 3 little boys all to herself. So, here is to getting a minute to myself once in a while to type and look at pretty things on Pinterest.

Currently

-My almost 4 year old is having a football game with his toy dinos. His imagination is incredible.

-My 20 month old will bring me books to "read", only to have him flop through the pages and say "NO!" when I actually try to read the words.

-I have spent at least 5 hours each of the past 3 days cleaning. I sure hope that this is a nesting thing.... otherwise I just became OCD.

-It has taken me 26 years to realize that it definitely shows when you buy the cheap nail polish and makeup. The good stuff is worth it. 

-Next year we are getting a three foot Christmas tree and putting it on our tv stand. I am so sick of picking  ornaments.

-Leaving the house is completely overrated. The boys have learned to play by themselves for hours at a time, and if we stay here all afternoon I am 4 times more likely to get a nap in.

-The last 3-4 weeks of pregnancy SUCK. that is all.

another baby gift

      Geez. I can hardly keep up with everything going on right now. Between holidays, babies being born, and everyday things that need to be done, I am pretty sure that I am going to pass out one of these days.... probably while buying Christmas decorations at Target.

     ANYHOW... I made yet another baby quilt for a sweet little boy due sometime in mid-January.

I am a huge fan of the orange, brown, and blues. Hopefully this will keep that little guys toesies warm this winter.

Also, I started cutting out pieces for our own little guy's quilt. I am still unsure about just what pattern (if any) I am going to go with.... I have pinned a ton of quilts for inspiration. You can see them here if you like. My only real goal is to be done with it before the baby gets here. I don't care if I am still sewing in between contractions... (HA!)

I took a quick instagram photo of the pieces before West ran across them... but I am pretty sure that I am in love with the colors and patterns.

redo

     Before West was born, I made poor Stephen drive out in the middle of nowhere to buy this chair from craigslist. It was a great chair in theory- wide, modern, and neutral enough that I could use it in another room when he didn't need a rocker anymore. However, it was horribly uncomfortable. Also, tan microfiber is possibly the worst fabric on the face of the earth. Every fingerprint, speck of dirt, and stain was magnified by the terrible fabric.
    SO, my mom came up this weekend (because she is amazing, awesome, and loves me a lot!) and spent hours and hours helping me recover it with some fabric that I found on super clearance at my favorite fabric outlet near Asheville.

     It is now AMAZING! The fabric we used is ridiculously soft wide corduroy in velvet. Needless to say every living thing in my house loves it. Westley has actually just stood there rubbing his face against the arms a few times. I am a little sad that the pretty blue-gray color of the chair clashes terribly with the color of my bedroom. But that is where the chair will need to live while we are still in this house. Now all I need to do is find a moses basket stand for our room and I will finally be able to stop hyperventilating because our boy will actually have a place to sleep.
   

24 days of thanks

(FYI, I stopped keeping track of numbers and I am just kinda winging it. I am still frustrated and dealing with that, but I am determined to make a point of mentioning it when something comes to mind that I am particularly thankful for...)

                                                 (Ignore the weird color my legs look in this picture as well as my creepy alien toes)

     I am so very thankful that we have the opportunity and ability to put both kids in preschool right now. Yesterday was an incredibly long work day for Stephen, thus it was a very long day for me. But this morning, I took the kids to school and had three glorious hours to rest, relax and take care of myself. I chose to run errands and take about 30 minutes to get a pedicure. It's amazing what a massage chair and having someone rub one's achy feet will do for the soul. Anyhow... I now feel refreshed and as though the next 3 days won't be quite so bad. Stephen will probably have to work late all week, and I want him to feel as though he has nothing to worry about or to do when he gets home (except play with his kids and spend a few minutes holding my hand while we watch Big Bang Theory.) Thanks to the 6 hours of kid-free time I will have this week, I can actually focus on getting things done so that he can actually do that.

24 days of thanks #11

    I am going to be honest. I don't feel like being thankful today. I am tired, cranky, frustrated that my husband has worked 50+ hours this week and it isn't even over yet. I am not in a place that I want to think about the things that I should be thankful for.

    So.... Let's talk about contentment vs. thankfulness.
I try to be content with what I have. I have learned to live with less this past year. I have learned to be happy with what I cannot change around me (ugly wall colors anyone?) I have even gotten to the point where I am not constantly starting conversations with my husband with "You know what we need..."

   But I am not always thankful for what I have. I am constantly convincing myself that I can absolutely make my Honda Pilot work with three car seats (even if it will take some configuring and probably a few months of tweaking to figure out what works best), but what I REALLY think I need pine over daily is a fancy pants minivan. I am on Pinterest ALL THE TIME looking at stuff for the "next house" (if we ever actually get one). And probably the most difficult and frustrating one- I am constantly struggling with the fact that I have two amazing, funny boys - but no girls. *That is something that might take years to move from the "I'll get over it" list.

   So, when I am at this place... what is there to do? I will eventually snap out of it and remember that my life rocks and that I have basically everything that I could ever need or want. But for now, I am here. And this is where I might be camping out for the next few days. This is probably not the best timing (Hello, Thanksgiving!) But this is reality. This is truth. This is my life.